Moments

Moments. We all have moments that clearly define our lives. Before this event and after this event. Before life became complicated and after it crashed down.

I have had some amazing times growing up. Camping, spending weekends at my grandmothers, or at the farm on the four wheeler and swimming in the creek. I would crawl into my fathers lap every Saturday morning to watch the Waltons. Evenings were spent playing on the trampoline or running through the back yard with Candy Kisses, our puppy. Sometimes our family could pass for the all American family. And sometimes we were living in a nightmare

Some of my youngest memories are of me sitting on the edge of my parents bed, crying for hours. I feared I hadn't done a homework assignment correctly or that something bad was going to happen. I would spend hours laying in bed consumed with fear about a million different circumstances that I, as a six year old, had no control over.

Looking back, many of my anxiety issue's probably stemmed from my half brother. He was constantly in trouble and I was always pushing myself to be the "perfect" child so my parents didn't have to focus so much time on me. He needed help everyday after school to complete his homework, I was expected to do what I needed to do when I needed to do it. I used to resent this, but over the years I've accepted that my parents were doing the best they could.  My brother had counseling appointments, and extra help after school. They knew I was a good kid and that I would make the right choices.

When he was twelve or so ( I was 8ish) he found out that my father was not his. This was a before and after event. Before, while there were behavioral issues they weren't out of control, when he found out that his father lived in Iowa and he had other brothers and sisters I think his time bomb went off. He became more heartless and cruel than ever before. His words hurt and crushed me like a knife. This was someone whom was suppose to protect me and guide me. He became someone I feared.

Luckily we were no longer in the same school building. I had an escape. Monday through Friday I had a place to go and I was blessed that year to have a teacher, without knowing it, who made me feel safe and comforted. I felt like the words and actions of my brother could not get me inside those four walls. I was right. School became my safe haven for the next decade.

We all have moments. Before and After. Some aren't as clearly defined. But over the next several years I would come face to face with the lines that I would be forced to cross to go from my befores to my afters.

. Many of those moments would include my half brother. .