Blissful. Blissful in your own world. A sense of calm because you are safe and alone. You are curled up on your couch. Time stands still in the place you've come to know as home. Everything has fallen into place, just as it should.
These are thoughts that go back and forth in my mind. My anxiety leaves me feeling breathless as I'm not sure if I should pack up and abandon all I have for the adventure or should I stay in a life that I am blessed and happy to be living. Some people would say this is me, settling. . That is so far from the truth.
If you've ever battled anxiety you know that you can not control the thoughts that stream through your head. You can be in a crowded room and feel like no one is with you. You can be loved by so many and feel as though you matter to no one. You are able to be as happy as you ever have been and still have the urge to run and explore.
I think a lot of my anxiety stems from childhood. So many people I loved. . . left. . by choice or not. . they betrayed me, hurt me, or broke promises to be there for me and they are gone. I built walls as high as I could and didn't let people in easily. . That is one part of my anxiety I have conquered. I have learned to love despite the possibility that they may leave tomorrow. .but i still have those constant voices telling me to run fast and far. . because if I run first, i can't be hurt. .
It's truly fucked up the way the mind works. The way I am so happy and in-love with the life i have worked so hard to have;; and still. . in the silence of these four walls that are my home, I wonder about a life where I pack all of my belongs into my vehicle and drive as far as I can and start over. . I wish i could conquer that demon in my head. .I was born with adventure in my blood. . but I know that the greatest adventure I'll ever have is to
keep living the life I have fallen in love with. . Please anxiety, Just let me live this adventure. . no other journey could ever take the place of this wonderful life.
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