You call. . .

You call, every time you are the one to dial my number.
I answer, each time I say hello and my heart sinks a little lower than before.

We chit chat and make small talk.

You ask if I'm happy, I always say "most days; you know no one is ever happy all the time." You used to whisper that to me way back when. Way back when I always said I was fine while my world shifted and crashed around me.
I ask if you're happy. You stutter and tell me there will never be anyone who makes you as happy as your dreamer did.
I sigh. I know you miss what we had. I miss the bond and friendship, too. I've never denied that.

You ask if I'm married, you know I will be soon. You tell me you're happy for me and I deserve someone who treats me like the queen I am. You say you hope he knows what a lucky man he is. And that you pray I have found the one who I won't run from when I get scared or insecure.

You remember so well. Even if it's been a thousand years since it was us. A thousand days that have passed since I walked out and told you not to chase after me.

My chapters have grown and a thousand pages have been scribbled on since then.
 Yet, you call.

And just as I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry, that I never intended for this to be how it turned out. Just as I'm finding the words to tell you that you deserved to know why I did it, why I completely shut you out when I needed you the most. . Just as I'm ready to spill my pain over the drugs, and drinking and bad choices I was making that would have left you disappointed in me. Just as the words reach the tip of my tongue . . .

You tell me you have to go. You just wanted to check on me. You say you'll call again sometime.

I tell you I'm happy for you and I'll talk to you again someday.

You hang up, every time you call you hang up just before I get to tell you all I have wanted to for the last decade.
I bottle those feelings back up, each time and think maybe next time I'll be able to get these demons out on the line. . Or maybe this is my punishment for never giving you the answers you so truly deserved.

You'll always be my ghost. I will forever be haunted.