New Year; Taking back my life

Dear 2017 Self;;

Hello dear. My how far you have come in the last decade. You have overcome and shown how resilient you truly are. You have persevered and conquered. 
You have been there for everyone at all times. You have bent over backwards repeatedly for all of those around you. Changed plans to be there for those you love. Broken promises you made to yourself so that someone else could spend some time with you. 
You are so very selfless and loving;; but you have let yourself down. 
What happens if you don't take care of yourself and are no longer here when those you love really need you in the future? What happens when you always put yourself last and you teach everyone else that this is acceptable? & what about those two nieces you have who admire and look up to you; what do you want them to see and how do you want them to treat themselves?















It's Time.

It's time to take back your life and see your value. 
It's time to take the hour or day and pamper yourself. 
Put the face mask on and the cell phone down. 
Relax and free your mind of others problems and focus on the good and fun in your life. 
Go out with your girlfriends and don't feel an ounce of guilt because others choose to sit at home and be miserable with life. 
Take the walk, every day. 
Laugh those deep belly laugh and give not one single fuck about who is around you. 
Go get the mani and pedi and feel good about yourself. 
Take the hour to get ready so you feel sexy as hell when you walk down the stairs to go on a simple date with the love of your life. 
Pull out the yoga mat and feel the zen and calm come acrossed you when your house is a mess. 
Take the day off for mental health when you need recharged. 
Lay in bed and watch sappy chicks flicks, only leaving to pee and get a drink. 
Get your ass back into the gym routine, you'll feel better & look better for that wedding coming up. 
Set your mind to things and don't let other sway your choices. 
Get out of bed the first time the alarm goes off and stretch and get motivated for another day. 
Less complaining more being thankful. 
Go on the adventures wherever you are and as often as you can. 
Continue to love whole heartedly, but learn to say NO. 
Enjoy the weekends with your fiance.
& last but not least. . DRINK MORE DAMNED WATER. i know it tastes awful and you have to choke it down & hate pissing every five minutes. . but it's good for you in every way. . so suck it up & drink as much as you can.(even if you have to make the face in the picture above after every drink)
2017 can be your year. Take your life back. No one will fault you for it or love you less. & if they do raise your middle fingers high and tell them where to go.

My truth to my first love

I am haunted. Haunted by the love I once felt for you. A love that I walked away from without warning, explanation or reason. I walked away from the first person who taught me how to be loved. I ran far and fast and cut you out like you never existed. 

Years have past and this still haunts me. Not because we should have ended up together, not because I am still in love with you. . and not because i deserve closure. . But because you deserved an explanation. You deserved to know what was going on in my head and my heart. 

I will forever live with the regret of not ending our story with a final chapter because that is what you deserved. You deserved to know that it was my own demons that tore me from you. You need to know that you did nothing wrong. My heart was damaged and broken from a life I lived in secret. You once told me that you would never be disappointed in my choices and you would never judge me. . I felt that certain decisions i made would have gravely changed the way we were. . 

I ran, before you found out I was not the person you loved and cared about so deeply. I ran before you dove into a relationship with someone whom you didn't really know. I did not want to drag you down the path of self destruction I was on. 

While none of this makes it right;; it is my truth. I am so incredibly sorry that I was in such a dark place and didn't give you the respect and love you should have been given. I am will forever be sorry for walking away and cutting you out of my life in such a hurtful manner. 

I also want to say thank you. Thank you for showing me how i should be love. Thank you for listening to my endless dreams and telling me that nothing could ever stop me if I kept chasing after them. Thank you for countless hours of laughter and the feeling of forgetting the rest of the world was surrounding us. Thank you for never once giving up on me. Thank you for continuing to care even after i broke your heart. Thank you for still calling to check in on me every so often. Thank you for being such a better person to me than i ever was to you.. Thank you for being an entire wonderful chapter in my crazy, messed up, amazing, beautiful book. Thank you for never hating me. 

We have both moved on and are living the life we were destined to, I am beyond happy for you as I know you are happy for me. We found the love we both deserved. 

I will forever wish you well and pray that you forgive me. 

LAMYMTYWEKAIWFBSLMA

Anxiety;; Let me live.

Trapped. Trapped inside your own mind. A million thoughts racing through your brain. Places you want to go. People you want to be with. Dreams you want to explore. 
Blissful.  Blissful in your own world. A sense of calm because you are safe and alone. You are curled up on your couch. Time stands still in the place you've come to know as home. Everything has fallen into place, just as it should. 

These are thoughts that go back and forth in my mind. My anxiety leaves me feeling breathless as I'm not sure if I should pack up and abandon all I have for the adventure or should I stay in a life that I am blessed and happy to be living. Some people would say this is me, settling. . That is so far from the truth. 
If you've ever battled anxiety you know that you can not control the thoughts that stream through your head. You can be in a crowded room and feel like no one is with you. You can be loved by so many and feel as though you matter to no one. You are able to be as happy as you ever have been and still have the urge to run and explore. 

I think a lot of my anxiety stems from childhood. So many people I loved. . . left. . by choice or not. . they betrayed me, hurt me, or broke promises to be there for me and they are gone. I built walls as high as I could and didn't let people in easily. . That is one part of my anxiety I have conquered. I have learned to love despite the possibility that they may leave tomorrow. .but i still have those constant voices telling me to run fast and far. . because if I run first, i can't be hurt. . 

It's truly fucked up the way the mind works. The way I am so happy and in-love with the life i have worked so hard to have;; and still. . in the silence of these four walls that are my home, I wonder about a life where I pack all of my belongs into my vehicle and drive as far as I can and start over. . I wish i could conquer that demon in my head. .

I was born with adventure in my blood. . but I know that the greatest adventure I'll ever have is to
keep living the life I have fallen in love with. . Please anxiety, Just let me live this adventure. . no other journey could ever take the place of this wonderful life.

Inkkk;; more than skin deep

Such a controversial topic for some, but for me tattoo's are my story for the rest of the world to see. I love being able to tell people about the reason behind a specifc tattoo and for them to realize the meaning is so much more than skin deep. So here's my story behind each tattoo.

 #1 . This tattoo is one of my first: It reads "I'm right behind you, win or lose, Forever Young." I got this tattoo shortly after my dad passed away. Since our last name is young and he always joked he would be forever young we had talked about getting these lyrics tattooed on us a thousand times. Lyrics that would remind me he was always with me. So when he passed away at 45 and I will always remember him as young and he will always be with me - it only seemed fitting that I would carry out this idea and get those lyrics on my left foot.

#2&#3. This is actually two tattoo's. The stars were the very first tattoo I got when I was 16 (& yes, i'm aware it needs redone) and my dad signed for it. Growing up my Nana always told me I would walk among the stars someday. Getting these stars on my right foot was my way of ensuring I would remember that every day.
The numbers are the coordinates of Kutztwon, PA. I started my college journey there and met my Roomie for life during this time. We share this tattoo. She has the identical one on her back. KU was a place I gained so much and also a place I began my journey into losing My poppa. It is a reminder to me of my happiest times and my lowest and how fast that can change.

#4. This is my dad's name in Latin: Vincere. It means to overcome, conquer and never be defeated. My dad raised a fighter so I believe this was more than appropriate to have placed on me with Angel wings since he is in heaven watching me conquer my world. :)

#5. Words I live by - Dream Big. Have Faith. Regret Nothing.  Words that remind me to live and enjoy life. To have faith in the future and that life will work out. And to never regret a single damned thing I've been through or done, because they have all led me to where I needed to be.

#6. Embrace your dreams. This tattoo tells me to go with the flow of the everchanging life i have experienced. To embrace all the crazy, wild dreams my free spirit can come up with and run free and blow in the wind as much as i need to in order to follow where my heart is meant to be.

#7. dream* -  (yes, dream is my favorite word, clearly) This is tattooed on my right hand because i have always dreamt of someday become a published writer. ;)

#8.  you are loved - This tattoo is very meaningful and close to my heart. This is the handwriting of a teacher who became my momma when I needed her the most. She has been there through the rock bottom and has always signed my cards & letters "Remember how much you are loved. " So I had this tattooed on my left hand so i can see it all the time and know how loved I truly am. While she is not a fan of tattoo's she was very honored when I showed her this particular one.

#9. A torn and tattered esophageal cancer ribbon; because cancer is not clear cut and clean lines. After losing my Nana and my Poppa to cancer & now working at a cancer center i always wanted a cancer ribbon as it has greatly effected my life, but I knew i didn't want a dainty, pretty ribbon as that isn't what cancer is. . It is terrible, and painful, and you are bruised and beaten down from it so I came up with this concept and an amazing, local artist was able to put it on my skin just as i had imagined.

#10 & #11. The first one i had is the "nothing is permanent" . I got this Tattoo when I was selling my childhood home and taking my life back. I was letting go of a home I thought I would always be able to go to. It was at that time I knew the quote was true - "nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our trouble" - Charlie Chapman.
"This too shall pass, No matter how hard it is to believe it. " This was my most recent addition. When i was in seventh grade i was dealing with more things than most 12 year olds should. I was in a very dark place an I had two amazing woman save my life. One of them wrote this on a sticky note that year and I have kept it all these years and finally got my permanent reminder that "This too shall pass" Dionne, the one whom wrote this so long ago, always knew I would eventually make her a permanent part of my life but she was shocked when I showed up with her hand writing on my leg from a post note she had forgotten she even wrote.


Of course I have plans for more tattoos. They are a huge part of me and my story. They are my reminders when I need them about where I have been and where I will continue to go. Some do not like them, others hate them and all I ask of anyone is to simply accept they are a part of me and move on if they do not like them. For those that do like them I am always happy to share the stories behind them.

My Mother Teresa

How blessed am I to have an angel, here on earth, who has taken me into her arms and heart and treated me like I am her own? Someone who never had a single obligation to me yet she came into my life and has never left my side. A woman who had her own children but knew I needed a mom and stepped up and became just that to me.
I wish I could put into words how much love I have felt over the last decade. How accepted I am. How much my pain has been lifted. All the joy i have been able to share with someone who has just as much excitement for my future as I do.
You came into my life just as I was beginning to start the next chapter. You have stood by me even when I was unsure where my story was going. You have held me when tears were streaming down my face as my life was changing forever. You have watched me achieve some of the goals I never thought were possible. You have believed in me when I was sure I wouldn't be able to overcome the next hurdle in my way.
Every time I have needed you I have never been let down. After every conversation we have I feel like all the burdens I bare are now weightless. I feel at home when I walk into your house because I know I always have somewhere i can go when the daily struggles become too much to bare alone. Or when I need a hug to be reminded how loved I am. A place I don't have to knock and a house that became a home because of the overflowing love I have received from the people who have made me apart of their lives. 
I am endlessly grateful for all of the love and caring you have given me over the years. All of the time you never had to take to be with me through all the bad times. Every smile and laugh we have shared through the good times has made my life so much richer and I feel so blessed to have you in my life.
Words will never do justice in thanking you for being my momma while never being obligated to do so.
You are a best friend, a counselor, a guiding light, a momma and so much more to me. I am glad to see glimpses of you being human and knowing that you too have pain and struggles but have such a genuine heart despite them. 
I am also forever indebted to your family; not once have they made me feel like I did not belong. Each one of them has shared your time and love. They have also always shown me love and kindness and have never made me feel like an outsider. They are all such wonderful people whom I am blessed to know.
I do not know where my journey would have led had you not come into my life so long ago, but I do know I am who I am because of who you are. And throughout the rest of my life there will always be a special place for you during every moment of my adventure.
I love you and am so thankful that you continue to be such a beautiful part of my story. Thank you for being my Momma, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you. 

Having your handwriting tattooed on me is one I hold so very dear to me. To have your hand writing be a constant reminder to me that i ALWAYS have someone to turn to and someone who loves me unconditionally is an indescribable feeling. Words do not do justice in telling you all of this. . but i will never stop trying to find them.

What I Deserve;;

I deserve someone who would give me the moon and the stars, if he could. 

I deserve someone who is willing to work his ass off for us to have a good life. 

I deserve someone who can look at me on a sleepy Sunday morning with my hair a mess and makeup down the side of my face and still think I'm the most beautiful woman in the whole world. 

I deserve someone who will take the time to notice the crackle in my voice and ask me what's wrong. 

I deserve someone who will share in my happiness and take my sorrows on as his own. 

I deserve someone who can handle my tears and wipe them away. 

I deserve someone who accepts my flaws, my past, my present & my future and loves me just the same. 

I deserve someone who can see the exhaustion in my eyes from so many sleepless nights because of my mind.

I deserve someone who, while he may not understand the thoughts running through my head, knows I am damaged but fighting to get through the baggage.

I deserve someone who can make me laugh when I have tears streaming down my face.

I deserve someone who can see the scars on my body and know I have never given up. 

I deserve someone who knows I have a tormented soul because I am my own worst enemy. 

I deserve someone who has a heart as large as mine. 

I deserve someone who can sit with me in silence knowing sometimes words don't need to be spoken. 

I deserve someone who will take care of me when I'm sick and wish they could take my place. 

I deserve someone who will attend every function that is important to me. 

I deserve someone who will fight for the love that we have for each other like he is fighting for the air that he breathes. 

I deserve someone who will let me belt out that god awful catchy tune if that's what will make me smile on a bad day. 

I deserve someone who will whisper in my ear when it's raining and remind me that my dad is still watching so proud of me. 

I deserve someone who is proud to say that I am the woman of his dreams and he's lucky to have found me. 

I deserve someone who understands that family is so much more to me than blood and accepts all the crazy members of the family I have created for myself. 

I deserve someone who knows I will always have to have the last word and can bite his tongue and give me that satisfaction over and over again. 

I deserve someone that can handle two a.m. panic attacks and three a.m laughing fits.

I deserve this and so much more. 

I deserve someone who is willing to match all the love I have to give. 

I am blessed to have that with the man I will marry in less than one year. 

My Feature Film

Exhausted. Drained. Tired. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Sad.

 

Rested. Inspired. Aware. Content. Silly. Happy.

Each and every one of us have so many emotions. So many sides of ourselves. No one sees all the masks we adorn. We feature to some our laughter and smiles. Others come to a showing of our quiet and shy side. Some click play and see our crazy, fun side. Even fewer tune in for the heartbroken and raw version of ourselves.

Two pictures. Two different versions of myself. Two different days in my life. Two different performances of the same character.

It amazes me how many emotions can run through your body on any give day at any given time. Some are able to hide more of the raw emotions than others. Some are constantly on stage for everyone to see every version of themselves.

I believe in being who I am whole heartedly. And some may say that i "fake" it well some days. . I put on my best smile and push forward. I don't know that I believe I am fake in this regards or rather just not willing for everyone to be able to rewind my darkest moments over and over and see the raw footage. Some people can and will only ever see the final directors cut. In my heart - I have hit replay a thousand times on the romance, horror, comedy, drama, suspense and even the indi films of my life. They are beautiful, scary, funny, emotion filled, questionable and all original.

We all have clips we would like to erase, of course. Scene's we wish we could take back. And we even have some actors and actresses in our story line that we could have lived without. But all of the footage, on every good day, bad day & the in between make up the movie of our lives. While some may only see the highlight real that we so chose to show them this does not and will not ever change the fact that every emotions run through us all.

We all decide which movie will be our next feature film and whether we will be a star or an extra.