Have You Ever, , ,

Have you ever met someone and knew instantly that your souls are intertwined?
You know their is a horror story written deep inside.
You remember their smile but know all that they have left behind.

Have you ever peered straight inside ones soul?
You see the agony as you gaze through them, just beyond the fish bowl.
You view there is a depth that is a never ending, dark hole.

Have you ever heard someone speak nothing but lies?
You hear the pain they are trying to hide.
You listen to the crackle and strain as they let out their bloody cries.

Have you ever touched someone and felt a shock run through your veins?
You feel the darkness of their tears like cold drops of rain.
Your fingertips linger as you hold all of their pains.

Have you ever felt that you knew someone before you met?
That a piece of you was missing, a piece your could never quite forget?

Have you ever intimately felt the beat of another's heart?
A person who you are sure you have known from the very start?

Have you ever been lucky enough to find your soul mate?
A guiding light in the a world that is so dark and full of hate.

Have you ever been terrified that they won't feel the same?
Or if they do, will those feeling be everlasting and always remain.

Have you ever met someone and instantly just knew. .
They hold a missing piece of you?

Time.

Time.
Time slips through our life like sand slips through our fingers when
you grasp a handful on the beach.
Time stands still like a statue in a museum.
But either way time feels we are all robbed of the same thing; time.

Time with those we love, time doing what we love, time to chase our
wildest dreams, time to sleep.

Thinking back on my life (yes, i know i am only 28) I have lost so
much to time.
I didn't have the time with my dad I wanted or should have had.
I ran from people and places because I didn't believe the timing was right.
I have spent more time working than living.
Friendships have been lost because too much time has passed.
Memories have faded because days, weeks, months, years; time has
stolen those details.
You no longer remember the sound of loved ones voice.
Or you forget the smell of an old friend when they wrapped their arms
around you.

Time slips through our life like air through our lungs.
Time stands still like a tree in forest on a calm day.
But either way we are robbed of time. . .

Keeping Up With The Klingler's

Everyone always says marriage is just a piece of paper. I don't know why people say that or how they can feel that way. Marrying my best friend was single handedly the best day of my life. And now, after being married for 4 days, I can say that I do feel differently and life is different. Being married is a feeling of security and a feeling of "home." It's a feeling I've never known before and one I am so blessed to now experience and be living. 
While Jason went back to work on Sunday, just as he always does. . it is now my husband that I have to worry about being on the road. It is now my husband that I say goodbye to every Sunday. It is now my husband that I call three times a day to check up on him and I have to tell you it is an AMAZING feeling. 

Our wedding day could not have been more perfect. We were surrounded by all the ones we loved and we got to marry each other. What could have been better?!
All the people who have been there for me when i was at the lowest points in my life were now able to see me at the happiest point in my life. And i could not have imagined it going any better than it did. 
I was so glad I was able to enjoy every moment. I stepped back and watched everyone at different points in the day and the room was filled with so much love. 
We are truly blessed and eternally grateful for all those who love us and support our love. 

You call. . .

You call, every time you are the one to dial my number.
I answer, each time I say hello and my heart sinks a little lower than before.

We chit chat and make small talk.

You ask if I'm happy, I always say "most days; you know no one is ever happy all the time." You used to whisper that to me way back when. Way back when I always said I was fine while my world shifted and crashed around me.
I ask if you're happy. You stutter and tell me there will never be anyone who makes you as happy as your dreamer did.
I sigh. I know you miss what we had. I miss the bond and friendship, too. I've never denied that.

You ask if I'm married, you know I will be soon. You tell me you're happy for me and I deserve someone who treats me like the queen I am. You say you hope he knows what a lucky man he is. And that you pray I have found the one who I won't run from when I get scared or insecure.

You remember so well. Even if it's been a thousand years since it was us. A thousand days that have passed since I walked out and told you not to chase after me.

My chapters have grown and a thousand pages have been scribbled on since then.
 Yet, you call.

And just as I'm trying to tell you I'm sorry, that I never intended for this to be how it turned out. Just as I'm finding the words to tell you that you deserved to know why I did it, why I completely shut you out when I needed you the most. . Just as I'm ready to spill my pain over the drugs, and drinking and bad choices I was making that would have left you disappointed in me. Just as the words reach the tip of my tongue . . .

You tell me you have to go. You just wanted to check on me. You say you'll call again sometime.

I tell you I'm happy for you and I'll talk to you again someday.

You hang up, every time you call you hang up just before I get to tell you all I have wanted to for the last decade.
I bottle those feelings back up, each time and think maybe next time I'll be able to get these demons out on the line. . Or maybe this is my punishment for never giving you the answers you so truly deserved.

You'll always be my ghost. I will forever be haunted.

Knowing Me; A Quiz

"They" (being some random people on the internet) say the best way to get to know someone is ask these fifty questions. So here are the questions with my answers. :)

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?
Losing my dad & my mom leaving was the biggest event that shaped me into a stronger person.
Being molested by my half brother and cousin also forced me to be strong.

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?
selling my childhood home made me feel weak or like a failure. . but looking back now it was the best decision for me at that time. I kept the house while i needed to and sold it when it was no longer home to me.

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?
With my friends & Jason. . the ones who have known me the longest and stood the test of time with me. The people I don't have to explain myself to.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?
I love riding in the jeep or buggies on a dirt road when the stars are out. . for a moment i forget everything else around me.
If I'm by myself I like to just drive around and listen to music or go to Cori's. 

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?
That's a tough one. I think my dad had a profound influence on me. but I have always had a handful of former teachers (now current friends) who all have given me pieces of themselves and shaped me into who i am now. And everyone who had crossed my path has shaped me in one way or another.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
at this point in my life I'm working toward changing my weight. . not because of my physical appearance but because I want to be around when my nieces are older and grow old with Jason. 

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?
get everyone i love together so i could spend my day with them.

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?
I don't know about 'belong' but i'd love to have lived in the 20's or 30's.

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?
Blood family? none. My own family - all of them. :)

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?
Cori. She knows everything about me and then some.

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?
she can make me laugh at any given moment.

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?
a school counselor.

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?
I do identify with people on shows and in books. . similar story lines, troubles, worries. etc. The most recent would be Hannah in 13 Reasons Why.

14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?
I think i accept them well enough.

15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or non-physical?
non

16. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?
my smile or my hair. haha

17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?
my heart, (although it can be my least favorite too. .)

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Absolutely

19. Do you believe in soul mates?
All different kids. Love, friendship, etc.

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?
fairly. Mine are normally accurate.

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?
Yes, a few.

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?
Personality and a huge heart.

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?
I guess it means laying it all on the line and being completely open with someone. I am most vulnerable with those i trust because I take of my armor around my heart.

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?
Anything I want to ask a man I'd just ask Dennis. lolol

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?
many things that aren't appropriate for this.

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?
If i'm speaking physical - i look at eyes and smile on both sexes.

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?
I'd love to know more about my heritage.

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?
visit ireland & greece or sky dive.

29. Why haven’t you done it yet?
I need to save up the money before i do it.

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?
I would still love to be a counselor in inner city schools or a grief counselor.

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?
Sleep in then probably laundry, and clean the house.

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?
Jason and I talking about my dad.

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
One of the girls at work was telling a story about wearing two different shoes an entire weekend.

34. What is your favorite memory?
One of the best memories I have is going to Baltimore with Jason for our first valentines day weekend together. We explored the inner harbor, went to the aquarium, ate at fancy places, went to dive bars and just enjoyed being with each other in a place where no one else knew us.

35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?
it takes so much to make me embarassed. . so I'm not sure i have a good answer for this. . 

36. What is your biggest fear?
being abandon/forgotten.

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?
No Regrets. Everything I've done has led me to where I am now.

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?
I'm sure I have. Skinny dipping in places you shouldn't, underage drinking, etc.

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?
Drove to Pittsburgh at 8pm for a 30 minute "hi/bye" stop and drove home. lol

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?
Sure, how else do you meet new people?

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?
More than likely.

42. What’s your favorite joke?
my bank account. hahahahaha
no but really, any that Jason tells. . when you get him and his Pops on a roll they tell some funny jokes. 

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?
I love dogs. . but can't be around them cause of my allergies.

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?
a Turtle.

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?
I mean Jason and I do watch the Minion movies a lot. haha

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?
A free spirit with a heart of gold - My dad's words.

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?
I think i'd go back to 13. I had some wonderful people in my life then, my dad was still alive, and i was starting to find my way.

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?
Heaven.

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?
I'm not judgmental. Age,sex,religion, gender, race. . none of that matters to me. & i love UNCONDITIONALLY. . once i love you, i love you for the rest of my life. Truly.

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?
My life with always having a missing piece. . my poppa.

Nine Years.

Dear Poppa;;

Hi. How are you? How have you been?

Yes, I know. It's that time, yet again. 

I still get angry that you can't be here. 

So many new adventures are happening this year. 

I'm getting married and have made an amazing life. 

Oh how I wish you were here to give me away when I become Jason's wife. 

You'd love him, Poppa. . I just know you would! 

He always tells me he'd bring you back, if only he could. 

He treats me well, knows he's pretty lucky, and truly makes me laugh. 

He repeatedly listens to my stories about you and looks at all our photographs. 

When we're out on a buggy ride I always look up and imagine you beside me. 

Smiling ear to ear, I can't help but think it's where you should be. 

I have worked hard to become a woman you would be proud to have raised. 

The strength I have from you being my dad has left me more than amazed. 

I know you will be watching me & guiding me until the end of my time.

But that doesn't replace you being next to me, my partner in crime. 

I miss today, tomorrow and always. .  .until we meet again. . 

I love you, Poppa. . Thank you for being my very first best friend. 

- Desiree Angelica Young

forever young*12/29/62 - 02/29/08

Tiny Best Friends

Tiny Best Friends. 
You are so much more than my nieces. 
You are such a huge piece of my heart.
When you two walk into a room and run for Aunt Dez all of the bad in the world vanishes. You bring laughter and love into my life more than I could ever put into words. 

I want you to know that I will always be here for you both. 
I will be a shoulder to cry on from scrapped knees to broken hearts.
I will listen to any story you wish to share no matter how silly or wild. 
I will encourage you to follow your heart down whatever road you choose to travel in your lifetime. 
I will be your confident and give you the best advice I can. 
I want you both to know that being your Aunt is one of my favorite titles to bare and nothing can or will ever change the pride and love I have for you two, my tiny best friends. 

I promise to never judge any decisions you make along the way to becoming the strong, amazing, beautiful, kind souls you are meant to be. 
I will, however, give you tough love when you need it. 
I will push you to reach for the stars because that is where you belong.
I will wipe your tears when you feel as though you have failed & reassure you that you will be okay again. 

I will always wish we had more time together. Please know how hard being away from you both is for me. 
If you call me at 2am at a party, or because you have good news, or need a friend;; I will drop whateverI am doing and drive however far I need to to be there for you. 
I will always be one of your biggest fans. Softball, cheerleading, dance, 4-H, any of it;; you will find me there when I can be and I may even embarrass you yelling your name so loud but please remember it is because I am beaming with pride over you. 
I promise to attempt to shield you from all the negatives in this crazy world for as long as I can. 

Above all of this;; I promise to never stop loving you. You are two of the most important people in my life and that will never change. I love you with everything ounce of who I am and want to give you both the world. 

I also want to thank you. Thank you for letting me be your Aunt. Thank you for running into my arms and giving me the biggest hugs on my worst days and loving me without judgment. 

Alyssa said it best this past Christmas when she told me "Aunt Dez, I know why you don't want babies. . you don't need any babies because Emily and I are your special babies."
I could not have said it better myself. 

You will both forever be my special babies & my tiny best friends. 
I love you , to the moon and back.

New Year; Taking back my life

Dear 2017 Self;;

Hello dear. My how far you have come in the last decade. You have overcome and shown how resilient you truly are. You have persevered and conquered. 
You have been there for everyone at all times. You have bent over backwards repeatedly for all of those around you. Changed plans to be there for those you love. Broken promises you made to yourself so that someone else could spend some time with you. 
You are so very selfless and loving;; but you have let yourself down. 
What happens if you don't take care of yourself and are no longer here when those you love really need you in the future? What happens when you always put yourself last and you teach everyone else that this is acceptable? & what about those two nieces you have who admire and look up to you; what do you want them to see and how do you want them to treat themselves?















It's Time.

It's time to take back your life and see your value. 
It's time to take the hour or day and pamper yourself. 
Put the face mask on and the cell phone down. 
Relax and free your mind of others problems and focus on the good and fun in your life. 
Go out with your girlfriends and don't feel an ounce of guilt because others choose to sit at home and be miserable with life. 
Take the walk, every day. 
Laugh those deep belly laugh and give not one single fuck about who is around you. 
Go get the mani and pedi and feel good about yourself. 
Take the hour to get ready so you feel sexy as hell when you walk down the stairs to go on a simple date with the love of your life. 
Pull out the yoga mat and feel the zen and calm come acrossed you when your house is a mess. 
Take the day off for mental health when you need recharged. 
Lay in bed and watch sappy chicks flicks, only leaving to pee and get a drink. 
Get your ass back into the gym routine, you'll feel better & look better for that wedding coming up. 
Set your mind to things and don't let other sway your choices. 
Get out of bed the first time the alarm goes off and stretch and get motivated for another day. 
Less complaining more being thankful. 
Go on the adventures wherever you are and as often as you can. 
Continue to love whole heartedly, but learn to say NO. 
Enjoy the weekends with your fiance.
& last but not least. . DRINK MORE DAMNED WATER. i know it tastes awful and you have to choke it down & hate pissing every five minutes. . but it's good for you in every way. . so suck it up & drink as much as you can.(even if you have to make the face in the picture above after every drink)
2017 can be your year. Take your life back. No one will fault you for it or love you less. & if they do raise your middle fingers high and tell them where to go.

My truth to my first love

I am haunted. Haunted by the love I once felt for you. A love that I walked away from without warning, explanation or reason. I walked away from the first person who taught me how to be loved. I ran far and fast and cut you out like you never existed. 

Years have past and this still haunts me. Not because we should have ended up together, not because I am still in love with you. . and not because i deserve closure. . But because you deserved an explanation. You deserved to know what was going on in my head and my heart. 

I will forever live with the regret of not ending our story with a final chapter because that is what you deserved. You deserved to know that it was my own demons that tore me from you. You need to know that you did nothing wrong. My heart was damaged and broken from a life I lived in secret. You once told me that you would never be disappointed in my choices and you would never judge me. . I felt that certain decisions i made would have gravely changed the way we were. . 

I ran, before you found out I was not the person you loved and cared about so deeply. I ran before you dove into a relationship with someone whom you didn't really know. I did not want to drag you down the path of self destruction I was on. 

While none of this makes it right;; it is my truth. I am so incredibly sorry that I was in such a dark place and didn't give you the respect and love you should have been given. I am will forever be sorry for walking away and cutting you out of my life in such a hurtful manner. 

I also want to say thank you. Thank you for showing me how i should be love. Thank you for listening to my endless dreams and telling me that nothing could ever stop me if I kept chasing after them. Thank you for countless hours of laughter and the feeling of forgetting the rest of the world was surrounding us. Thank you for never once giving up on me. Thank you for continuing to care even after i broke your heart. Thank you for still calling to check in on me every so often. Thank you for being such a better person to me than i ever was to you.. Thank you for being an entire wonderful chapter in my crazy, messed up, amazing, beautiful book. Thank you for never hating me. 

We have both moved on and are living the life we were destined to, I am beyond happy for you as I know you are happy for me. We found the love we both deserved. 

I will forever wish you well and pray that you forgive me. 

LAMYMTYWEKAIWFBSLMA

Anxiety;; Let me live.

Trapped. Trapped inside your own mind. A million thoughts racing through your brain. Places you want to go. People you want to be with. Dreams you want to explore. 
Blissful.  Blissful in your own world. A sense of calm because you are safe and alone. You are curled up on your couch. Time stands still in the place you've come to know as home. Everything has fallen into place, just as it should. 

These are thoughts that go back and forth in my mind. My anxiety leaves me feeling breathless as I'm not sure if I should pack up and abandon all I have for the adventure or should I stay in a life that I am blessed and happy to be living. Some people would say this is me, settling. . That is so far from the truth. 
If you've ever battled anxiety you know that you can not control the thoughts that stream through your head. You can be in a crowded room and feel like no one is with you. You can be loved by so many and feel as though you matter to no one. You are able to be as happy as you ever have been and still have the urge to run and explore. 

I think a lot of my anxiety stems from childhood. So many people I loved. . . left. . by choice or not. . they betrayed me, hurt me, or broke promises to be there for me and they are gone. I built walls as high as I could and didn't let people in easily. . That is one part of my anxiety I have conquered. I have learned to love despite the possibility that they may leave tomorrow. .but i still have those constant voices telling me to run fast and far. . because if I run first, i can't be hurt. . 

It's truly fucked up the way the mind works. The way I am so happy and in-love with the life i have worked so hard to have;; and still. . in the silence of these four walls that are my home, I wonder about a life where I pack all of my belongs into my vehicle and drive as far as I can and start over. . I wish i could conquer that demon in my head. .

I was born with adventure in my blood. . but I know that the greatest adventure I'll ever have is to
keep living the life I have fallen in love with. . Please anxiety, Just let me live this adventure. . no other journey could ever take the place of this wonderful life.

Inkkk;; more than skin deep

Such a controversial topic for some, but for me tattoo's are my story for the rest of the world to see. I love being able to tell people about the reason behind a specifc tattoo and for them to realize the meaning is so much more than skin deep. So here's my story behind each tattoo.

 #1 . This tattoo is one of my first: It reads "I'm right behind you, win or lose, Forever Young." I got this tattoo shortly after my dad passed away. Since our last name is young and he always joked he would be forever young we had talked about getting these lyrics tattooed on us a thousand times. Lyrics that would remind me he was always with me. So when he passed away at 45 and I will always remember him as young and he will always be with me - it only seemed fitting that I would carry out this idea and get those lyrics on my left foot.

#2&#3. This is actually two tattoo's. The stars were the very first tattoo I got when I was 16 (& yes, i'm aware it needs redone) and my dad signed for it. Growing up my Nana always told me I would walk among the stars someday. Getting these stars on my right foot was my way of ensuring I would remember that every day.
The numbers are the coordinates of Kutztwon, PA. I started my college journey there and met my Roomie for life during this time. We share this tattoo. She has the identical one on her back. KU was a place I gained so much and also a place I began my journey into losing My poppa. It is a reminder to me of my happiest times and my lowest and how fast that can change.

#4. This is my dad's name in Latin: Vincere. It means to overcome, conquer and never be defeated. My dad raised a fighter so I believe this was more than appropriate to have placed on me with Angel wings since he is in heaven watching me conquer my world. :)

#5. Words I live by - Dream Big. Have Faith. Regret Nothing.  Words that remind me to live and enjoy life. To have faith in the future and that life will work out. And to never regret a single damned thing I've been through or done, because they have all led me to where I needed to be.

#6. Embrace your dreams. This tattoo tells me to go with the flow of the everchanging life i have experienced. To embrace all the crazy, wild dreams my free spirit can come up with and run free and blow in the wind as much as i need to in order to follow where my heart is meant to be.

#7. dream* -  (yes, dream is my favorite word, clearly) This is tattooed on my right hand because i have always dreamt of someday become a published writer. ;)

#8.  you are loved - This tattoo is very meaningful and close to my heart. This is the handwriting of a teacher who became my momma when I needed her the most. She has been there through the rock bottom and has always signed my cards & letters "Remember how much you are loved. " So I had this tattooed on my left hand so i can see it all the time and know how loved I truly am. While she is not a fan of tattoo's she was very honored when I showed her this particular one.

#9. A torn and tattered esophageal cancer ribbon; because cancer is not clear cut and clean lines. After losing my Nana and my Poppa to cancer & now working at a cancer center i always wanted a cancer ribbon as it has greatly effected my life, but I knew i didn't want a dainty, pretty ribbon as that isn't what cancer is. . It is terrible, and painful, and you are bruised and beaten down from it so I came up with this concept and an amazing, local artist was able to put it on my skin just as i had imagined.

#10 & #11. The first one i had is the "nothing is permanent" . I got this Tattoo when I was selling my childhood home and taking my life back. I was letting go of a home I thought I would always be able to go to. It was at that time I knew the quote was true - "nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our trouble" - Charlie Chapman.
"This too shall pass, No matter how hard it is to believe it. " This was my most recent addition. When i was in seventh grade i was dealing with more things than most 12 year olds should. I was in a very dark place an I had two amazing woman save my life. One of them wrote this on a sticky note that year and I have kept it all these years and finally got my permanent reminder that "This too shall pass" Dionne, the one whom wrote this so long ago, always knew I would eventually make her a permanent part of my life but she was shocked when I showed up with her hand writing on my leg from a post note she had forgotten she even wrote.


Of course I have plans for more tattoos. They are a huge part of me and my story. They are my reminders when I need them about where I have been and where I will continue to go. Some do not like them, others hate them and all I ask of anyone is to simply accept they are a part of me and move on if they do not like them. For those that do like them I am always happy to share the stories behind them.

My Mother Teresa

How blessed am I to have an angel, here on earth, who has taken me into her arms and heart and treated me like I am her own? Someone who never had a single obligation to me yet she came into my life and has never left my side. A woman who had her own children but knew I needed a mom and stepped up and became just that to me.
I wish I could put into words how much love I have felt over the last decade. How accepted I am. How much my pain has been lifted. All the joy i have been able to share with someone who has just as much excitement for my future as I do.
You came into my life just as I was beginning to start the next chapter. You have stood by me even when I was unsure where my story was going. You have held me when tears were streaming down my face as my life was changing forever. You have watched me achieve some of the goals I never thought were possible. You have believed in me when I was sure I wouldn't be able to overcome the next hurdle in my way.
Every time I have needed you I have never been let down. After every conversation we have I feel like all the burdens I bare are now weightless. I feel at home when I walk into your house because I know I always have somewhere i can go when the daily struggles become too much to bare alone. Or when I need a hug to be reminded how loved I am. A place I don't have to knock and a house that became a home because of the overflowing love I have received from the people who have made me apart of their lives. 
I am endlessly grateful for all of the love and caring you have given me over the years. All of the time you never had to take to be with me through all the bad times. Every smile and laugh we have shared through the good times has made my life so much richer and I feel so blessed to have you in my life.
Words will never do justice in thanking you for being my momma while never being obligated to do so.
You are a best friend, a counselor, a guiding light, a momma and so much more to me. I am glad to see glimpses of you being human and knowing that you too have pain and struggles but have such a genuine heart despite them. 
I am also forever indebted to your family; not once have they made me feel like I did not belong. Each one of them has shared your time and love. They have also always shown me love and kindness and have never made me feel like an outsider. They are all such wonderful people whom I am blessed to know.
I do not know where my journey would have led had you not come into my life so long ago, but I do know I am who I am because of who you are. And throughout the rest of my life there will always be a special place for you during every moment of my adventure.
I love you and am so thankful that you continue to be such a beautiful part of my story. Thank you for being my Momma, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you. 

Having your handwriting tattooed on me is one I hold so very dear to me. To have your hand writing be a constant reminder to me that i ALWAYS have someone to turn to and someone who loves me unconditionally is an indescribable feeling. Words do not do justice in telling you all of this. . but i will never stop trying to find them.

What I Deserve;;

I deserve someone who would give me the moon and the stars, if he could. 

I deserve someone who is willing to work his ass off for us to have a good life. 

I deserve someone who can look at me on a sleepy Sunday morning with my hair a mess and makeup down the side of my face and still think I'm the most beautiful woman in the whole world. 

I deserve someone who will take the time to notice the crackle in my voice and ask me what's wrong. 

I deserve someone who will share in my happiness and take my sorrows on as his own. 

I deserve someone who can handle my tears and wipe them away. 

I deserve someone who accepts my flaws, my past, my present & my future and loves me just the same. 

I deserve someone who can see the exhaustion in my eyes from so many sleepless nights because of my mind.

I deserve someone who, while he may not understand the thoughts running through my head, knows I am damaged but fighting to get through the baggage.

I deserve someone who can make me laugh when I have tears streaming down my face.

I deserve someone who can see the scars on my body and know I have never given up. 

I deserve someone who knows I have a tormented soul because I am my own worst enemy. 

I deserve someone who has a heart as large as mine. 

I deserve someone who can sit with me in silence knowing sometimes words don't need to be spoken. 

I deserve someone who will take care of me when I'm sick and wish they could take my place. 

I deserve someone who will attend every function that is important to me. 

I deserve someone who will fight for the love that we have for each other like he is fighting for the air that he breathes. 

I deserve someone who will let me belt out that god awful catchy tune if that's what will make me smile on a bad day. 

I deserve someone who will whisper in my ear when it's raining and remind me that my dad is still watching so proud of me. 

I deserve someone who is proud to say that I am the woman of his dreams and he's lucky to have found me. 

I deserve someone who understands that family is so much more to me than blood and accepts all the crazy members of the family I have created for myself. 

I deserve someone who knows I will always have to have the last word and can bite his tongue and give me that satisfaction over and over again. 

I deserve someone that can handle two a.m. panic attacks and three a.m laughing fits.

I deserve this and so much more. 

I deserve someone who is willing to match all the love I have to give. 

I am blessed to have that with the man I will marry in less than one year. 

My Feature Film

Exhausted. Drained. Tired. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Sad.

 

Rested. Inspired. Aware. Content. Silly. Happy.

Each and every one of us have so many emotions. So many sides of ourselves. No one sees all the masks we adorn. We feature to some our laughter and smiles. Others come to a showing of our quiet and shy side. Some click play and see our crazy, fun side. Even fewer tune in for the heartbroken and raw version of ourselves.

Two pictures. Two different versions of myself. Two different days in my life. Two different performances of the same character.

It amazes me how many emotions can run through your body on any give day at any given time. Some are able to hide more of the raw emotions than others. Some are constantly on stage for everyone to see every version of themselves.

I believe in being who I am whole heartedly. And some may say that i "fake" it well some days. . I put on my best smile and push forward. I don't know that I believe I am fake in this regards or rather just not willing for everyone to be able to rewind my darkest moments over and over and see the raw footage. Some people can and will only ever see the final directors cut. In my heart - I have hit replay a thousand times on the romance, horror, comedy, drama, suspense and even the indi films of my life. They are beautiful, scary, funny, emotion filled, questionable and all original.

We all have clips we would like to erase, of course. Scene's we wish we could take back. And we even have some actors and actresses in our story line that we could have lived without. But all of the footage, on every good day, bad day & the in between make up the movie of our lives. While some may only see the highlight real that we so chose to show them this does not and will not ever change the fact that every emotions run through us all.

We all decide which movie will be our next feature film and whether we will be a star or an extra.

soulmates. . .

I am a firm believer in having a soul mate.  Someone who you can share the depths of your heart with and still have more to say. A person who can look in your eyes and know there is something hidden, that the rest of the world has passed right by. I believe there is someone who you are meant to cross paths with and while distance or time may change you both the truth of your souls are still forever connected. I also firmly, whole heartedly, believe that this does not have to be and is rarely a romantic relationship. I believe more often than not you find this feeling within a friendship.

While you may have friends to laugh with and explore life with you also need one person who knows your life as well, if not better, than you know your own. A friend who you never have to explain your heart to because they already know the beats of it. Someone who has been at your side when your world comes crashing to the floor but will also always be your biggest fan, standing forever in your corner, cheering you on in whatever obstacle you face.

I believe that sometimes these deep, true friendships can be overlooked. We get busy with our lives and when we are at our darkest we forget that there is one person who will never let you feel alone in this scary world. A friend who will wrap their arms around you and let you sob into their shoulder, even if they do not understand why you are crying in the first place.

I am blessed. I have been fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life. I have friends that I would travel the world and back for and I have friends who would do the same for me. I am lucky enough to have had many people come into my life and never walk out.
And I am blessed to have my soulmate or that person who I can text/call/show up on her doorstep and not have to say more than a few words until I find myself feeling like a weight has been lifted and I am whole once again.

Sometimes there are friendships that can not be explained. A love so deep that you feel they have been with you for every step of your journey. And a love so deep that you would do anything to do the same for them. You want to share in their happiness and pick them up off the ground when their world is crashing.  You want to constantly remind them that they are not alone because having them in your life has been a constant reminder that you are not alone.

I think we all have a soulmate or soulmates. We all have someone whom if we ever lost would be to lose one of the core pieces of who we are, a foundation of our life. .

To my soulmate; I could never thank you enough. While life, chaos and everything in between has changed our friendship over the last fifteen years I am forever thankful to have the one person who knows my soul more than I know myself. Someone who can wrap their arms around me and make me feel safe, loved, and understood. Thank you for always being there when I truly needed you. I would be lost in this world without our friendship. I will never give up on you, because you're my person.

 & I will be your person, for our souls are connected, or so I believe. Thank you, for being who you are. I love you.

Book Covers

All of our lives we are judged. We are ridiculed and we are defined by others definition of who we should and shouldn't be. Magazines tell us what we should eat, TV shows portray how we are to act, Fashion shows tell us what we should adorn on our bodies. Even deeper than all that is those we meet on a daily basis who glare at us and turn to whisper and laugh with a friend sitting near by. 
They make comments about our hair, our weight, our makeup, our laugh. . everything. But why? Why and when did this begin to be acceptable? Why and When did this attitude towards others become the norm? 
I am ashamed to live in a world where children are worried about what they look like from the time they can look into the mirror. I am ashamed that a woman who looks in the mirror and feels beautiful is call conceited. I hate that because some weigh more than others or are too skinny we are made to feel less attractive than others. I am disgusted that our outward appearance has more value than that of what is within us. 
When i was younger I was ALWAYS made fun of. I was fat, ugly, a bitch, an elephant, scruff, hog. . you name it. . I've probably heard it or thought it about myself. Words hurt. . whether we admit it or not. However, we do not have to let those words define who we are. 
When I look into the mirror I see laugh line forming which reminds me of all the laughter I've had in my life. I see my weight and know that I am blessed to have good friends who enjoy my company over a meal. I see my hair a mess and I know I worked hard today and needed to pull it out of my face. I see my tattoo's and I am reminded of some many important pieces in my life. I glance at my chipped nail polish and I know I spent the day typing at work to help patients. I notice my scars as I pass by a window and I'm reminded I've survived some of the hardest times in my life and I came out on top. Stronger than I ever thought possible. 
What would the world be like if we saw these things in others instead of judging them? We have no idea where or how or why these people look, act, dress, or are the way we are. We jump to judge them because they are different than us. and yet we turn to the mirror and hate ourselves.  
Somewhere along the way the world has fucked up. They have taught us to judge each other during the day, and judge ourselves at night. 
The best and most amazing revelation I've ever had is that none of us are perfect. We all have flaws and none of us are the same, we all view everything a little differently - But we are all the most beautiful creatures to roam this earth.
So take a minute, or an hour, day, month, year - and remind yourself to look at yourself and see your story. Then look at everyone else and see their story. . We are so much more than the book covers we are wrapped in.

Ghosts

Ghosts from the past come creeping in when you least expect it. They lurk in the shadows of your every day life and slither into your thoughts when you don't have your wall up. Sometimes they take you by the hand and walk you down memory lane. Other times they fill your heart with the all but forgotten feelings and take you back to a place and time you have tried to forget.
Everyone has these ghosts. Some are lost loves, some are friendships that didn't last. But we all know those people who when we hear their names we are taken back and day dream of the relationship and where you would be now had you not lost touch. How would your life be different? Where would you be today? and who would you be today? What role would they play if they had stuck around? Or if you hadn't turned and ran the other direction, terrified of where your life was going?
I have a handful of ghosts. Some are friendly and others only want to pull me down. I miss them all in some way, shape or form as they are some of the reasons i am who i am. They helped shape the beats of my heart and some even caused the cracks where my heart will never quite fit back together. But they all have changed me.
Each ghost has left a lasting mark. The smell of peppermint patties takes me back to one particular ghost. Driving towards seven mountains leads me to another. Laying in a field, counting stars jolt me back into a place and time long ago.
I am overly nostalgic more often than not. And i remember details of every encounter and the time period when ghosts were in my life. I can take myself back and feel those feelings again. This certainly isn't always the greatest attribute i have but it is a part of me. Just as these ghosts.
I will always miss the relationships. I will answer the calls and be there if they needed me. That is who I am. And even the ghosts haven't changed that.